Sometimes the Vanilla Life Happens...

In my last entry I had said that Sir had been very busy with school, work and the army. Well what I hadn't said was that he was so exhausted that he was getting physically sick, so for about 2 weeks we didn't talk and that did a number on me. After he got better and we started talking again I thought things would be like they were, but they weren't. I started to feel that something was wrong and I couldn't  figure out where the problem was. I tried to think that maybe it was him, that he was showing enough emotions. I had even gotten worse with my training and told him that for about a month I haven't been in the mood to do anything, my sex drive had gone down badly. We haven't seen each other in two months so I knew that the physical need for him could be causing some of my problems but I also knew that the problem was deeper, it was an emotional lacking. I went to two of my good friends for help and had told Sir that I wanted to do this and wanted him to do it with me, so I went to two of my friends and now they are going to help us rebuild our emotional connection. This friend is going to act as our therapist so to speak and she will give assignments to complete. I am very much hoping that this will help us. Today I was giving another friend some advice and what I was telling her really had opened my eyes and I realized that the problem may not be him at all, it may be me. The fact that maybe I hadn't 100% submitted myself to him and all this time I thought I had. That is where the problem lies. I have fears that I should not have with him and b/c of those fears I have unknowingly kept myself at a distance with him. All that stops right now, it will change and I will now and forever be 100% his. We will still do the assignments that my friend gives us to do that way even though I know the source of my problem we can still build a stronger bond.

and the fun begins

When sir and i started talking we weren't sure if we wanted to date eachother, i knew i wanted a dom and he knew he wanted a sub so it started as just that. The first as his sub that i would learn would be the rules.
 Rule 1. i always address him as sir except around family
 Rule 2. never play without permission
 Rule 3. never cum without permission
The first of my tasks were to be to learn how to control my orgasms, to learn how to orgasm only for him. Now i know some are probably thinking that is not possible, but it is very possible. All it is is mind over matter really, your mind, your brain is the largest sex organ in your body and what he is doing is training my brain to cum for his voice his command. This has been very difficult for me because we do live 2 hrs apart and most of my orders come from text or phone, but somehow i have managed. I am in no way close to being able to cum on demand this will take a awhile for me to be able to do. When my training began i was ordered to play everynight for 10 mins and bring myself to the point of orgasm but i was not to cum. if i did then i had to take 2 clothspins and put one on each lip (not the ones on my face). the training was going well up until about a month ago, then sir started getting very busy with school and work and he didnt have the time or energy to train me the way he wanted. so now i am to play everynight for as long as i can with out cumming and send him pictures.

Acknowledgeing My Submissive Ways

it all started when i was in my mid teens. i knew i was a little different from other girls my age, i didn't have the desire to go out and party and have a different boyfriend for every month. i always imagined what my life would be like with the one person that i wanted spend it with. i saw me being the SAHM/W and doing the cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids and him, while he worked. i knew that when he comes home from work i would have dinner ready and waiting on him, i knew that i would do anything he asked of me without a second guess. i wanted the man to be the man and give me rules so i would no what lines i cant cross. not only did i want someone to dominate me in my everyday life but i also wanted to be dominated when it came to the bedroom. to me this was normal but when i saw and heard other girls talk i knew i could never tell anyone. as i got older i started to feel different things and dream different things. i really thought for along time that i was sick or something was wrong with me.  my sexual fantasies were becoming more dark and in a way sinister. i would dream about being kidnapped and my captor having his way with me and forcing me to do things, i would wake up thinking that i was sick for these dreams and for the fact that i was very turned on by them. i tucked them away in the back of my mind hoping they would stop but they never did. i never knew why i felt like this and what it meant and i was terrified to say anything. i tried to have "normal" relationships but i was never satisfied with that.  i needed more, i craved more. i didn't find out what all of this meant till i was 24 yrs old, i am now 25.  i was reading a journal post that a friend had done, and that was when i realized that i wasn't a freak and that there were others like me. i learned that there was actually a lifestyle for what i wanted and it was BDSM. i learned that what i was and was feeling was called submissive. after i began to embrace this new found lifestyle, i became more open to it. i have met the man of my dreams and he is now my dominant. for the first time in my life i am finally happy and fully satisfied with my relationship.